The 5 Most Desirable Qualities in Personal and Business Relationships: A Psychiatrist’s Recommendation
Are you ready to become unstoppable?
As a Psychiatrist, I’m fascinated by human behavior. What makes some people more desirable than others? Why does The Bachelor or The Bachelorette often choose the less physically attractive girl/guy over another? The answer: there are a few subtle but very powerful non-physical traits that make people hot. Super-hot. These are primal dominant qualities that speak to our animal brain. In our electronic era dominated by computers, smart phones, and e-dating, most folks are not even consciously aware of these evolutionary superpowers. Lucky for you (and me), if you were not born a Cindy Crawford or Tom Cruise, you can easily build and strengthen these qualities over time, just like a muscle. Wanna have your pick of partners or get ahead in your job? The following attributes attract others in all settings-romantic and platonic. They are the “roadside emergency toolkit” for both personal and professional advancement. Get ready to exercise your muscles. Let’s get started!
5. Relative Unavailability
Remember that boyfriend or girlfriend who answered every text immediately, almost as soon as you sent it? Or who asked you to go out almost every night? Or how about the work colleague who called you three to four times per day? Yeah- needy is not hot. A healthy amount of unavailability shows that you have a life: other things and other people you care about. It also shows that you have healthy boundaries. It demonstrates independence. On a deeper, subconscious level, it symbolizes competition (which is always attractive): you might not be as available because others are interested in you (heh heh heh…) When I ask my husband what drew him to me during the first six months of dating, he immediately said, “That you weren’t constantly chasing me. That made me want to chase you.” Being too available looks desperate. “Absence makes the heart grow fonder,” is built on the principal that unavailability increases attraction and fondness. Being just a little unavailable makes you instantaneously more attractive-use it to your advantage.
4. Emotional Stability
Getting upset at the smallest thing is also NOT hot. It forces people to walk on eggshells around you, and ultimately, if really noticeable, to avoid you all together. On the other hand, if you demonstrate emotional calmness and stability over a wide range of circumstances, people begin to trust you, like you, and respect you. They can depend on you. Emotional stability demonstrates to potential partners that you will be ok with or without them. No neediness. This is a very attractive quality in potential mates and in the workplace. Potential partners will look to you for guidance and consolation during difficult times. Potential or current professional colleagues will respect you and rely on your leadership and modeling behavior during tumultuous company times. The boat that can consistently weather tough storms is always the most desirable boat.
3. Self-deprecating humor
We like folks who don’t take themselves too seriously. Being able to strategically poke a little fun at yourself from time to time demonstrates self-confidence, intelligence, and creativity. Self-deprecating humor also shows a healthy willingness to be vulnerable around others. This builds trust in both romantic and platonic relationships. Many of the best politicians are masters of strategic self-deprecating humor- they make fun of themselves at opportune times so that it is not as powerful when their rivals use the same material maliciously. When you laugh, your body releases small amounts of the “love” chemical Oxytocin- this means that making someone laugh with some well-placed humor causes a bodily chemical reaction that will make them feel closer to you. Work that chemical magic with some laughs!
2. Vulnerability without neediness
Gentleman, pay special attention to this one: Contrary to popular belief and American gender stereotypes of masculinity, every woman likes a man who can express genuine emotional depth and vulnerability. It shows us the human side of you. It demonstrates that you have “real” emotions fostered from difficult experiences, and you are ok with that because you are comfortable and confident in your own skin. Being vulnerable without neediness is a master skill that every guy should develop. Many men think that if they open up to others with true emotion, they will appear weak. Not so, my friends, not so. On the contrary, we women take special notice of you, and want more. Being vulnerable also fosters emotional intimacy and trust in growing relationships. It also shows that you are authentic. It shows us that you are not afraid to be and express your true self, in all the beautiful complexity and shades and colors that create the human experience. Be vulnerable. We dig it.
1.Confidence
This one might seem like a no brainer. I can’t overstate how much confidence increases your likeability and attractiveness. It’s very primal. Female horses all want to be with the male horse who steps out to cross a raging river first. It shows confidence. At the most primal level, whether you know it or not, your primal brain is always scanning your environment for a mating partner who will be best suited to raise offspring. The primal reptilian brain, also known as the basal ganglia, controls our innate and automatic self-preserving behavior patterns, which ultimately ensure the survival and continuity of our species: i.e., reproduction and all that goes along with raising little humans. With two kids under six (one of which is currently having a temper tantrum as I write this because she wants to wear her underwear on her head) I can attest that raising “offspring” is freakin’ hard. Everyone is looking for a partner or colleague who is consistently bold, fearless, and confident. Who crosses the raging river first. These traits tell your primal brain, “Oooohhhh. See that person? He/she will be able to conquer the toddler underwear fight, thus ensuring the survival of the species. Go for him/her.” You think I kid? Trust me. I’m a psychiatrist…
Master these five traits, and you will be unstoppable. I’m rooting for you!
-Lauren